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Monday, 07 April 2008

16 April 2007

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"Were you there when it happened? Did you know anyone? How is the community holding up?" These are the questions that I hear every time I tell someone I go to Virginia Tech. Still other times, I get a quick "Oh!" and then a sudden change in conversation or an awkward silence. It seems that this one chilly day in April is destined to define my entire college career and maybe even my life after. To top it off, I wasn't even here.

Names and numbers have been engraved on my brain. Cho. West A.J. Post Office. Norris. 17. 32. 9:26. Room 204, 206, 211. 1800 words. April 16th 2007. 21 gun salute. Matthew LaPorte, Liviu Librescu, Ryan Clark, Nicole White, Rachael Hill. These are names and numbers that I will remember all of my days. Furthermore, I remember the stories. Matt LaPo rte, the only person proven by forensic evidence to have attacked the gun man! Liviu Librescu, a holocaust survivor of Auschwitz died on Holocaust Remembrance day while using his body and a table to barricade the door while his students escaped. Ryan Clark, a resident advisor who left the comparative safety of his dorm room to warn his residents of a shooter in the building. These men are my heroes, these men have done more than I can ever expect to achieve in my lifetime.

Even though I wasn't here for the event, the memories and the TV footage mark me as I go to classes everyday. I can't enter a class room without marking the exits, and wondering where to go if a shooter enters the room. How am I going to escape? Would I be brave enough to sacrifice myself for my fellow students, or would I flee in terror? The memorial remembering the dead is a constant reminder of that day. Never letting us forget, but at the same time, making it that much harder to move on. I am a Cadet, thus I am expected to lead by example, how can I lead when I am terrified of an event that happened almost a year ago? How can I lead when my thoughts are of escape whenever I enter a classroom? What do I do, I love it here, yet the memories of an event I didn't even witness continue to haunt me and those around me.

I was 700 miles away when this fateful tragedy occurred and yet it affected me almost as much as those on campus. Why? Because I am a Hokie. Virginia Tech is my home and it always will be. Now I have to find ways to live with the stark reality that my home is not safe and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

Thursday, 11 October 2007

Blind

I watch them from a distance as they laugh and flirt together knowing that he’ll run to me as soon as she hurts him again. And she will, she always does. He’ll come over crying and sobbing, and I’ll lean him on my shoulder and rub his back and tell him “everything will be ok.” When the tears stop he’ll give me a hug and a smile and tell me what a wonderful friend I am. He can’t know that I long for the attention that he gives her. He can’t know that his smile makes me soar. He can’t know how much it hurts to see him walking away. Why is he so blind?

He’s moving away, possibly for good. He still doesn’t know how much he means to me. I’m devastated, if only he knew. I meet him as he’s leaving, giving him a hug, a kiss and a smile. He promises to stay in touch. He drives away, his dad at the wheel. I see him turn and wave one last time. He can’t know how much it hurts to see him drive away. Why is he so blind?

The years go by he never calls. I still love him as much now as I did then. I’ve lost him. But then, we connect. It’s seven years later. I tell him my feelings, he say’s he’s felt the same way over the years. But I’m taken by a great guy. Now though, he finally knows. We both were blind. But now he knows and he will wait. Maybe I’ll see him again someday.

Why was I so blind? Why did I not see? She was always there waiting for me. But now that I see, it’s too late for me. If I had known then that I would go this long without seeing her, would I have left at all? Enough of this, I know better now. I won’t make that mistake again. I’ll be here, right by her side, ready to do whatever she needs. And maybe some day, I’ll be the man she always wanted me to be. Why was I so blind?

This is something I wrote a while ago, but I wanted to put it up on my new Xanga blog. Hope you enjoy.

Go light your world,
HokieCadet
First Entry

Hello world,

    This is my first entry, obviously. If you recognize the significance of my greeting, then more props to you. If not don't worry about it. Anyways, I guess i'll mention a little about me first. I am a student at Virginia Tech (GO HOKIES). I am also in the Cadet Corps. The Corps is basically my life and it has really started to get interesting. We, as Freshman, just earned certain privileges. We're allowed to grow our hair out (to a certain extent), we also get to listen to music now (YAY)!
    I am at an interesting point in my life right now. I am trying to decide whether or not I want to join the Army National Guard and put my life on the line for my country. Worse yet, do I do this and go against the wishes of my mother. Yes, it's my life, but I have always thought very highly of her opinion. I'll be putting up more on this at a later date i'm sure.
    Finally, there's this girl. I kinda feel like a home wrecker because she broke up with her boyfriend of four years. She didn't break up with him solely so she could date me, but I still feel responsible for making her realize that she needed a change in her life. Anyways, I have about a month before anything there develops, so I have plenty of time to truly consider all my feelings about this matter.

Go light your world,
HokieCadet